Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Where Are You Looking?

Dear Single Person: Has anyone ever told you, “When you’re not looking is when Mr./Ms. Right will appear?” Do you find that advice as annoying as I do? That’s because it’s a brush-off cleverly disguised as helpful advice. The truth is that people meet people when they’re looking and when they’re not looking, when they’re ready to date and when they’re not ready to date, when the sun is shining and when it’s raining. Meetings are happening all the time whether or not someone is “looking.” The better advice to give a single person is, “Look, but don’t be thirsty (aka desperate).”

At the core of this weird cosmic law of not “looking” is the idea that if you dare to desire a relationship, you have effectively prohibited it from happening. Looking is actually important to an extent. If you don’t bother to look, you can miss out on an opportunity that is available to you. I don’t know how it is in the rest of the world, but in Los Angeles, my experience has been that the worst you can do as a single person is actually look interested in someone. I can’t count how many times I purposely chose not to look a cute guy in the eye because, after all, he’s cute. What the hell kind of sense does that make?! At some point you’ve got to look!

One more reason why “when you’re not looking is when they will appear” is stupid is that it contradicts the equally touted advice of “you just need to make yourself available and get out there more” advice. Which one is it? Don’t look or look everywhere??? Dear Advice Givers: stop confusing us!!!

Here’s what makes sense to me. Let’s call it my Looking Manifesto:

Looking is good. Looking is necessary. Looking means I keep my heart open for the possibility of meeting someone. I will not be defensive and appear aloof. I will smile. I will say “hello.” I will be open to whatever reaction I receive and I will not use a negative reaction or being ignored as an excuse to be closed off in the future. Looking is vulnerable because it opens me up to being rejected. But I am willing to endure that outcome because the worst thing isn’t being rejected; it’s losing hope.

I wanted to share this in case there are others out there who in some way believe it’s desperate or shameful or embarrassing to be looking. It’s not. We just have to look the right way.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Gena on June 30, 2016 at 3:48 am

    Love you and love that you are writing. Looking forward to more.

  2. DeShawne Coleman on June 30, 2016 at 3:52 am

    Amazing!!! Soooo on point and I literally laughed out loud!!! I love you!!!

  3. Viergeni White on June 30, 2016 at 4:07 am

    This is dope and super real and even taught me about how I should go about it encouraging the singles in my life. Jocelyn I love your writing!!

  4. Stacy on July 1, 2016 at 3:44 am

    Thanks for sharing this! As a single womanwaiting for the man for me, I totally understand what it is you’re saying. Sometimes you don’t want to be bothered, sometimes you’re pretending you don’t want to be bothered and sometimes you end up running into something that you didn’t expect to come your way. The bottom line is is that you need to be open to receive ALL that God has for you!! That is for moms, single woman, single moms, etc. Thanks for the transparency and keep sharing !!! ???

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